Despite the fact that it is actually sunny and lovely-looking outside, it is brutally cold and not fit for man or beast. And I am enduring one of those walking-through-thigh-deep mud phases. It’s like one step forward, one step sideways, one step back, another step sideways, on and on and on and on. This is treacherous for someone without a sense of direction such as much myself. I no longer know what’s truly forward, what’s lateral . . . and it’s only afterwards that I can accurately gauge that I’ve taken another step or two backwards.

When I taught high school, it was soul-crushing to me that I could not alter the course of their lives, that seemed to me so clearly on the wrong path. It was eating me alive. It was literally all I thought about. So I picked up a book or an audiobook by the Dalai Lama, the exact title of which escapes me, but the point was that I needed some help learning how to accept what is, and not judge.

And it was extremely helpful. I needed to learn that it is not for me to evaluate anyone else’s life and deem it worthy or of needing extreme assistance. We move through this life, and we cycle through pain and sorrow and health and happiness. There is wealth and poverty in all our lives, and it is not for others to decide its meaning. We are alone in this. We alone must figure out our own stuff.

Which isn’t to say that we don’t find comfort and solace in each other. Perfect evidence of that has got to be these blog communities. Who hasn’t logged onto a stranger’s blog and felt a moment of complete understanding? And although we are still alone, it is comforting to know others are wading through their own mud bogs. We have not been singled out for our trials and tribulations.

So, we muddle along.

I am muddling along and trying to apply the same lack of judgment to my own life. This feels so bad right now. Is it? I don’t know. Where will this lead me? There aren’t end points, not neat and tidy ones, because I think our experiences permeate our entire lives, so I don’t think there’ll be a clean, neat conclusion to this era of my life. But there must be some purpose to these lessons I’m learning. I think I’ve most recently described my most recent feeling as humility. Returning to work as low man on teh totem pole has been deeply humbling. There is nothing wrong with being humble–but it makes me wonder what lies in store, what experiences will I have wherein I will need stores of humble pie?