Kinda had an epiphany tonight. A very interesting a-ha! moment . . .

So I’m talking to a guy about sex, and I asked about his appreciation for oral sex. As you might expect, he is an enthusiastic recipient, but then, isn’t everyone? But, in spite of his deep appreciation for it, he doesn’t reciprocate. Which. Blows. My. Mind.

He doesn’t actually do anything he doesn’t want to.

Now, if you’ve just read that, and you’re like, yes . . . ????? I want to tell you I think you rock. Because I have been very, very busy doing a lot of stuff that does not turn me on, that I would not choose to do, that maybe I do not want to do (and I might know this if I paid a little more attention to what I was thinking during sexual encounters) but I wanted my partner to be extremely satisfied, so I did it. Any partner. It’s like intellectually, I know that sex is not love. But why am I knocking myself out like this? Am I hoping that I will be such an extraordinary sexual partner that someone will be unable to live without me? Let’s dig a little deeper here: why do I feel like I need to demonstrate my sexual prowess? Why am I going to these lengths?? I’m researching techniques on the internet, reading books . . . I’m expending energy on this that I should have spent on my career or other aspirations. I’ve crafted myself into a sexual dynamo with a single-mindedness I didn’t even know I had.

Can I rechannel this? Can I take this somewhat self-destructive tendency and channel it into something constructive?

Can I qualify for the Boston Marathon?

Can I finish that novel?

Can I figure out how to snowboard without shattering both of my kneecaps?