I am the personification of a train wreck these days. I have a mostly-Buddhist view of these things. I don’t necessarily think that just because I’m a mess right now I’m destined to a lifetime of it. Actually, now that I think about it, I think the opposite. My brain is so thick right now, I think there’s actual purpose to all this. This could also be some hard-core rationalization. I accept that.

But I think I’m going to come out the other side, and it’s going to be good. I think my Buddhist teachings would refrain from even placing judgments on these experiences: good vs. bad. But I’m from Indiana, sooooooo . . . I think there might be a limit to just how Buddhist I can ever be. Could be a linguistics thing, too–like I need to frame these experiences in language that everyone can grasp.

It is not lost on me how often I use the phrase “I think,” because I want to qualify what I have to say. I’m definitely not coming from a place of confidence right about now. (See above: trainwreck.)

I have developed a tremendous understanding of why people abuse drugs. I have this idea that coffee–and decaf shall never touch my lips–and its delicious caffeination helps me order myself, gives me some kind of energy boost that results in actual progress on my part. Today it just wrecked me. I’ve been a preoccupied mess. I can barely maintain the attention span necessary for a conversation, and despite a to-do list that requires my attention, upon which a lot of important stuff hinges, I have spent the day trolling the internet. I cycle through the same websites obsessively. On one website, I guess I thought I was sending a message, and went through the rigamarole of typing in that code to prove I am human and whatnot, but didn’t actually compose a message. I’m not actually cluing in to anything on the screen.

My brain is just thick. It’s full of all these questions. I often liken my depression to a physical sensation of wading through thigh-deep mud. I don’t have complete confidence that I can wade through it, either. I’d say my energy center is about thigh-level during these times. Not a lot of brain activity. Everything I’ve got is concentrated in the physical act of wading forward, of going through the motions of every day life: getting up for some job, navigating inadequate public transportation, suffering the daily humiliations someone with paper-thin skin suffers. Now, though, the activity is concentrated in my brain. And I have faith that the brain will sort it all out. Physically, I’m very quiet. I know I should be out running, doing any number of things, but instead, I sit here on my couch, with my laptop and German Shepherd wedged in beside me, mindlessly cycling through the same webpages, while my brain churns.

But at the same time, I’m feeling insanely restless. My usual M.O. is to just pick up and move to a new city when I muck things up, so the challenge for me is always to stay put. It’s a mammoth  exercise in empathy for me to realize that most people are afraid to change and want nothing more than for things to stay the same. To allay the restlessness, I actually placed an ad on craigslist, looking for someone up for a last-minute international adventure. I know, insane, but I figure I can swing something in the name of sanity. And it felt good. It was like expending negative energy. I put a message out to the universe.

Weird tangent to be explored further at another time: there is something kind of sinister about this American commitment to individualism. I hitchhiked through Ireland, something I would NEVER do here in the states. It’s more than gun control laws. There’s something to the overriding principles behind things like gun control laws: the good of the community vs. the good of the individual. I have the soul of a committed socialist at times. But at the same time, I know I benefit in countless ways from this system. Everything is good and bad, positive and negative.

I distract myself yet again. Whenever a train of thought enters the station, I gotta ride it to the end because if I lose sight of it, another train or seven come into view.