March theme: lists

Another random list of stuff circulating through my head.

1. I have ants in my bathroom. I don’t know why.

2. I still have something really big circulating through my grey matter.

3. I got beat three games in a row in Scrabble b/c I wasn’t paying attention to the clock and I ran out of time, thereby losing, even though I had lots more points. It’s just evidence of my distraction.

4. I’m feeling oddly chatty lately. I ran into a neighbor tonight as we arrived home at the same time, and I think I talked at her for about a half hour. Sometimes, deep thoughts, you know, they gotta be shared.

5. There is virtually an entire bowl of food on the floor around Ruby’s bowl of food. Tonight, she was eating, and she turned to me, and bits of kibble literally spilled out of her mouth. I love this dog so much, this kibble-spewing dog.

6. I am trying to catch up on my magazine reading, and picked up last week’s Newsweek. There was a story about a book about a Japanese man who rescued the Akita breed. Evidently, it’s an extremely devoted animal. There is a famous story about a man who passed away suddenly, but his dog continued his daily habit of meeting his 4:00 train each day for the next nine years. Hope springs eternal in the doggy breast.

 March theme: lists

Stuff on my mind:

1.  If I have a kid, will my entire identity begin to revolve around my child? Will I begin to adopt screen names that reflect that I am someone’s mom? Will my blog have a picture of my kid, but not me? Will all my blog postings be about the kid in some way?

 

2. I picked The Blind Assassin back up, and although it’s been slow going these first 200 pages, for some reason, it’s picking up steam for me, and I am looking forward to each opportunity to crack it open. Ms. Atwood’s writing has begun to resonate with me: “More and more I feel like a letter–deposited here, collected there. But a letter addressed to no one.” If you haven’t felt like that, you’re lucky, I think.

3. I read a somewhat interesting interview with Johnny Depp in one of my trashy magazines. He described his role as a parent as protecting his kids from the ugliness and hardness of this world.

This might be a luxury he can afford. In all probability, his kids won’t have to worry much for money or things. They may never have to seriously contemplate homelessness, or make a decision between buying food or some other neccessity. If the whole world could be like that, I’d say, right on. Let your kids be innocent forever.

I view my role as a parent as very different, however. I think my job is to show my kid the world. I want my kid to know that some people have it way better, and some people can’t find drinking water. The world is a spectrum, and I want my kid to have some understanding of that. I view my role as a mentor of sorts–if I’ve done my job well, I’ve introduced the kid to the world, and given them the skills to make good decisions. But, the understanding is that the kid will make their way into the world. Please, God, do not let me be the clingy, guilt-inducing parent. I understand that parenting is epic amounts of love, and that it is difficult to send your most prized possession out into the world . . . but the thing about kids, I think, is that they aren’t really possessions. They are their own people in there.

Don’t misunderstand me–I’m not going to sit my 5-year old down for a viewing of Requiem for a Dream to get a nice visual going for the dangers of heroin addiction. I’ll wait til 13 or 14. (If you haven’t seen it, it’s a very good movie, but hard, brutal.)

I’m just a fan of providing information. If I had a kid, we’d live here in Chicago, where that spectrum is unavoidable. Stop by Starbucks for your fancy latte, and there might be a junky in one of those big overstuffed armchairs being revived by 911 personnel. There’s a huge homeless population here that doesn’t stay neatly in their shelters. There are all kinds of people who seem to be just on the edge of a psychotic break who use public transportation. I think most people are dealing with some kind of issue; what’s different is how it manifests itself.

My point, however much I wander around it, is that there is a lot of weirdness and “ugliness,” and it just is what it is. It’s wrong of me to even call it weirdness. It just is. There’s just a lot of difference here.

So, we could take refuge in Indiana, where the difference is subverted, pushed under, so we can all pretend it doesn’t exist, or we can acknowledge it.

Because along with the different stuff we might categorize on the left side of the spectrum, there’s also wicked cool stuff, like sleepovers at the Field Museum–as a kid, wouldn’t it be cool to spend the night under a T-Rex?? And Shedd Aquarium, and the Art Institute, and a vibrant grass-roots artist community here. I want my kid to grow up surrounded by all the possibilities that this world represents. They can grow up to be a finance guru, or a sculptor, or maybe my kid will learn to swim through the parks department and become an Olympian. Hopefully, I give the kid the tools to choose the things that make us productive, happy, self-fulfilled people instead of the heroin addict.

Has it already begun? Has parenting already pervaded my consciousness? I suppose it’s inevitable to a certain degree . . . I’m already terrified that I am going to mess someone up for life, that my parenting theories are basically garbage, and I’m going to be solely responsible for turning my kid onto drugs, and they won’t even graduate from high school . . .

What if my kid doesn’t want to go to college? I love learning so much, this would pain me greatly, I think.

 March theme: lists

What I accomplished today:

1. I ate cashew brittle in bed, thereby filling it with pesky sharp little crumbs of brittle.

2. Boosted my Scrabulous rating up over 1400, then promptly got a thrashing, which lowered my rating.

3. In addition to the cashew brittle, I have eaten every meal today in bed.

4. I napped for several hours this afternoon.

5. Proved that I am worthy of this dog’s love and devotion by taking her outside and throwing the ball for her 2-3 times.

6. Took a long hot bath during which time I reat two trashy gossip magazines, thereby satisfying my burning curiosity about several “celebrities” who I did not know were famous.

7. Giving some serious thought to having a peanut butter sandwich to alleviate this too-sweet sick feeling I have thanks to the brittle (remarkably short on cashews, I might add).

8. Also giving serious thought to reading a real book, the sort without pictures.

 March theme: lists

Reasons besides being cold that I am sick to death of winter this year:

1. My apartment sits back off the street, and my bedroom window looks onto the alley. I am sick to death of listening to the snow removal trucks in the parking lot of the condo building across the alley. The scraping of the giant blade against the pavement, and the way the driver revs the engine over and over and over again is driving me mad.

2. The guy down the alley will get up tomorrow morning and come out to shovel snow down the alley. Again, a piece of metal scraping against the pavement. Over and over and over again.

3. People put salt on their sidewalks that burns dog paws.

4. Whenever the weather is at all inclement, especially when there’s snow, traffic here snarls up. Tonight, the bus was literally a traveling sardine can. On the bright side of this, people were decent to each other, and there was a bit of merriment, even.

 

Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday Fill-In #64

1. _____ is so exciting!

NOTE: question number one here has left me completely flummoxed. I suppose that’s one of the perils of adulthood, there aren’t that many things that actually really excite me the way things did when I was little, and everything was relatively new. Now I’m all jaded and stuff, and I know Santa doesn’t exist, and the tooth fairy was made up, too, and I’m sure that before long, someone’ll prove to me that the birthday bunny is a lie, too.
2. Strawberry fields are something I don’t remember having seen, although I am familiar with the Beatles song.
3. Flourless chocolate cake sounds like it would taste delicious–but it’s not!
4. Why does warm chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge make me feel so good?!
5. Angkor Wat is something I’ve always wanted to see.
6. It’s sad when the junkies fall asleep on the el.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to playing scrabble online and sleeping, tomorrow my plans include therapy and sleeping and Sunday, I want to sleep and stay here in Chicago, but instead I’ll get on the train and go visit my relatives for Easter, which is just an excuse to overeat since we are not religious and don’t celebrate the real meaning of this holiday!

 March theme: lists

Random thoughts:

1. I  have virtually no email, no phone calls, or texts from friends tonight, and I’d give a lot of money for some human interaction right about now.
2. I have some big thoughts careening around the cranium tonight.
3. I got some news today that has me contemplating a big life change.
4. My brain is like a sieve right now. Stuff goes in one ear and floats right out the other.
5. You know when you’ve got something on your mind, and people keep talking at you? That’s what work was like today. I just wanted to be given some projects and left the hell alone.

 March theme: lists

Today’s theme: Lazy.

I’ve been feeding the addiction, although I think I’m on a serious losing streak. Some days, I am Scrabble Master. Today, I had brain freeze. But even bad Scrabble is a good day, with the dog covering the foot of the bed.

I’ve also been trolling the self-described fashionista blogs and websites. I have one thing to say, people, and it bears repeating:

Only Kate Moss Can Wear Skinny Jeans.

God, these poor women in all these pictures, who so obviously care a great deal about their appearance and put so much thought and effort into their wardrobes, they must have seen these skinny jeans on Kate and thought, she looks great! And SHE does, because she has the body of a 14 year old boy.

But while we’re on the subject, Kate’s a pretty girl and all, but . . . why would you want to be her? Have you SEEN the men she dates? Pete Doherty? Skank-a-ma-pot-amus. I fail to see his allure, at all, and yet, he dates supermodel after supermodel. Kate’s dating someone else now whose name escapes me, but who appears to be interchangeable with Pete. He looks equally dirty, unkempt, and drug addled.

I think maybe I’ve spent a little too much time thinking about Kate Moss.

 March theme: lists

I continue to feed my scrabble addition through Scrabulous.com. I just finished three excellent games with someone from B.C., Canada.

In addition to games with other people, there are other games designed to improve ones scrabble skills. I’ve been indulging in the highly addictive Scrabble Blitz: four minute rounds where you just try and accumulate as many points as possible. The fact that it’s so fast means I keep playing “just one more” and then it’s two hours later.

Besides feeding my addiction, it’s been a nice day. I met Jen & the Bridesmaids over on Clark a.k.a. Wholesale Purse Row. There is great stuff over there. Some of it is blatant knock-offs of Prada (I think they call it Prego? Hello? Spaghetti Sauce?) and Louis V., but lots of it is just trendy-looking purses. I say, if you’re buying something trendy (it’ll look dated sooner rather than later), you shouldn’t pay a lot for it.  

Nights like this, when I’ve voluntarily stayed home and felt great satisfaction just playing Scrabble with the dog on the foot of the bed (seriously, she takes up half the bed), I think about my 10-year high school reunion. Learning that I lived in Chicago, a former classmate said, That must be very exciting! Bless her heart. I guess it can be sometimes. I love Chicago. But a lot of times, I probably do the same things she does: hang out at home and just be.

I met Jen and Erick the other night for $2 hamburgers at The Yard. What I love about Chicago is how we, more than any other place I’ve ever experienced, truly embrace decent weather. This winter has been especially long and cold, but every year, at the very first sign of spring, bars and restaurants throw open the patio doors and people flock to them. Everyone bundles up, but cheerfully endures just for the chance to be much less cold than usual. We sat at the back of the bar, beneath a heater going full blast. And yes, every single patio door was wide open.

I gotta talk about the dog some more. I marvel at her size, the expanse she takes up. Ben (1st dog, may he rest in peace) was only 10 lbs lighter than she is, but he was the type of dog that slept curled up, whereas Ruby spreads way out. It’s pretty impossible for us to sleep in this bed together because she literally takes up more than half of it.

For some reason, when I found Ruby, I had a twin-sized bed, which was plenty of room for Ben and myself. At night, we’d all retire to the bedroom, Ben on the foot of the bed in his customary circle, and Ruby beside the bed on the floor. In the morning, I’d open my eyes, and be nose to nose with the German Shepherd. Somehow, during the night, she would creep onto the bed beside me, very delicately. There we’d all be. But now that it’s just Ruby and myself, we cannot co-exist in a larger bed. Go figure.

 Friday, March 14, 2008

Friday Fill-Ins #63

1. Contact may cause bad things if  you’re a stranger, but friends are welcome.
2. The parties hereto do mutually agree WTF? I got no parties. It’s just me, and the dog, and the dog agrees with everything.
3. Disney parks are proof that there is not a benificent diety who loves us and wants us to be happy.
4. Thin mint girl scout cookies, ice cold milk and sleep sound really good right about now!
5. I positively hate getting up early.
6. A dog always makes me smile
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to a bubble bath, tomorrow my plans include therapy and hanging out with Jen (bride-to-be) & the bridesmaids and Sunday, I want to enjoy a spring day in Chicago!

  March theme: lists

I’m typing my blog entry between rounds of Scrabble. I’m enjoying a multi-player game, which I’d forgotten was pretty challenging. Everyone has these racks full of tiles and they’re laying down big words. I notice a lot of times in a two-person game, the board is really condensed and tight. Multi-player games are very spread out. This is, of course, a gross generalization.

But I know what you’re really reading for: an update on the nose. Another chapter of my delayed adolescence, another installment of the is-it-infected-or-not? Drama. You’ll remember that yesterday, I had so forgotten the piercing that I actually exfoliated the piercing last night, and I wondered what the consequences would be . . .

Not awful, but there was a tiny bit of swelling this morning, and there was some bleeding. I’m following the guidelines for after-care provided: drinking lots of water and applying warmth. (If this sounds counter-intuitive, it’s the warmth that promotes blood circulation which promotes healing.)

Second day of work was fine. People still assume I’m an idiot and try to show me how to do things like . . . operate the copy machine. Come on, folks. Everyone in an office environment can do this. I came there with verified, tested computer skills, and yet . . . I was treated to a computer training session. Yawn. Give me just a tiny bit of credit.

But I am so tired. I’ve had about . . . 6 hours of sleep the past two nights, and it’s caught up with me. So. Tired. Brain. Not. Working.