March theme: lists

Today started off pretty well.

I got up, dressed, ready for work, got to the train well before it did, was early for work, got a coffee, went upstairs feeling really pleased to be there. My supervisor was at the front desk, and her greeting was pretty muted, which I attributed to her having a very busy, stressful week.

No matter! I am there! It is a new day! It is not yet 8 o’clock proper! I am on time!

Not a super busy day for me. I felt on many occasions that I was being talked down to, but I think–hope–that will dissipate in time as I prove myself to be as smart as the average bear. I have no problem with having to prove myself.

Seemed to go alright.

Tonight I get home, and the recruiter who placed me leaves a message, call her at home. I know that’s not good. I knew someone had called to complain about something I’d done, but I couldn’t totally figure out what it was. What had I done so wrong that it merited a call to my recruiter??

My supervisor, sitting at the desk when I arrived, was under the impression that I was late this morning. WTF? So she called to complain. I feel such a sense of disappointment. All day long, people weren’t unfriendly, but they weren’t demonstrating any warmth, either. I kinda wondered if I belonged there. And this was like a kick in the teeth. I’m hanging out at home, bummed out about it. And instead of 8 o’clock, I have to be there by 7:45, at least for a bit.

No doubt my poor mood is also due in part to a relatively sleepless night last night. Tomorrow, new day, right?

P.S. The nose continues to improve/heal. In fact, I have largely forgotten that I had my nose pierced, so tonight when I went to exfoliate my face, I rubbed the dollop of blue-beaded facial cleanser right into my nose. Twice. It seems to be fine, though. I checked for stray blue beading around the stud. The proof will be in the pudding tomorrow morning and we’ll see what size the beak becomes.

 March theme: lists

Random list of thoughts:

1. For some reason, I get onto the scrabulous.com site, and this concerns me. I need a fix.

2. I took the giant German Shepherd for a long walk, hoping it would quell her vocalizations. Not so much.

3. I’m looking forward to starting work tomorrow.

4. I need to hem some pants.

5. I think the key to my goal of successfully and completely cleaning my apartment is to break it down into really small bits, one room at a time. I made some progress in the bedroom yesterday, and today, I’ll continue.

6. I seem to be inordinately easily overwhelmed.

7. The nose is good, thanks for asking.

8. I’ve gotten many questions about boogers (sorry to be so graphic) and the piercing. Valid questions. Here’s the thing–the way it’s pierced prevents booger build-up. The back is not that of a traditional earring. It’s a tiny cylinder, with a flat back, into which the stud screws in.

9. Mini To-Do list, embedded within the Random List:

1. get laundry from downstairs

2. mail the mail that has to be mailed

3. follow up on the timesheet issue

4. reply to emails that require timeliness

5. remind dog that I love her, but silence is a virtue

10. No, I still haven’t told my mother that I got my nose pierced. Yeah, I’m looking forward to that too.

11. Found a cool website: http://www.veryshortlist.com/home/

12. Sometimes, I love the internet. I love that I can play scrabble with someone in Botswana. I love that I can find music, and books, and movies that I otherwise never would have heard of. I love that when I have a question about something, I can look it up, and find the info. And, best of all: porn. So. Much. Porn.

 March theme: lists

Well, the good news is that my nose isn’t really infected. This is a degree of normal swelling as it heals itself. So, that’s good. That means I can pierce some other stuff. kidding!

New job starts on Thursday. Was supposed to start today, but the person responsible for getting me started isn’t ready for me yet, so two more days of freedom! During which time I can indulge my love of scrabulous! Clean house? Nooooooooo! Play game after game after game of scrabble, on-line! Yeeaaahhhhhh!

I have so much laundry to do . . . I really, really need to:

1. Take it all to the laundromat.

2. When everything is clean and folded, sort the laundry.

3. Make a pile for the resale shop, a pile that I actually wear.

4. On the way home, stop at the resale shop and drop the clothes off.

I wonder what makes me think I need all this stuff? I tend to wear the same thing over and over and over again. If it were socially acceptable, I’d spend the rest of my life in yoga pants.

Wait. If I became a yoga instructor, it would be acceptable. Yes, I am now making career choices based on wardrobe.

I need to make a little to-do list for today, and if I don’t get some of this stuff done, I need to lay off the scrabble. The guiding force in this to-do list is to set myself up for success, so I am going to select small, easily accomplished tasks. Deep breath. Here we go:

To-Do

1. wash dishes in the sink halfway done–does anyone else hate to wash silverware, too? I always leave it to the end MISSION ACCOMPLISHED and I cleaned the sink

2. get laundry from room downstairs did it, and started a new load

3. try on the new blue jeans, make sure they fit–mission accomplished

4. put away stuff I bought yesterday–mission accomplished

After I check that stuff off, I can play some Scrabble, and formulate my next list.

3:33 pm UPDATE I’m making progress. I’m the only person I know who has to parse this stuff out into tiny increments to get it done, but so be it. I even got a couple of other things put away that weren’t on my list! But I have resisted Scrabble so far.

4:45 pm UPDATE Given the small scope of my to-do list, I’m feeling inordinately pleased with myself for finishing it! Scrabble-time!

6:41 pm UPDATE I still haven’t adjusted to daylight savings time. I look outside, see that it’s still quite light out and think “4 o’clock, max”, like it’s still December. It’s been so cold; it snowed yesterday, so in my mind it’s much more December than March. So I’m pretty surprised that it’s nearing 7 pm.

The temperature did almost reach 50 today, just like they said it would. I had my doubts this morning. I’m feeling very German because it’s warmed up a bit, and I threw open my back door and some windows to get some air circulating through the place even though it is a little chilly. I figure I’m immune to the giant dog smell that surely must be here. Although, I don’t know. I just sniffed her, and she doesn’t seem to have a strong odor.

I wonder what dogs think when we smell them? Do they think, nice try, but I know you have a completely inferior sense of smell? Or, huh, the alpha never sniffs me, wonder what’s up.

I love these times when she’s sleeping at the foot of the bed while I play scrabble. For this very moment, all is right in the universe.

You know what I think? I think that I cannot avoid the consequences of even my smallest missteps. If I do something dumb, however innocuous, there will be a consequence.

Take, for example, my nose piercing. Not such a big deal. Not brilliant on my part, but what’s the big deal? Nobody gets hurt (except me, that moment when the needle . . . nevermind). What was really dumb on my part is that I went out afterwards, had a mango martini, nachos, came home, wasted time, and generally did not follow the guidelines for taking care of my new piercing. I did not clean it properly, as directed. Small, dumb misstep, and now . . .

Today, my beak is bright red and swollen. Obviously a small infection has set in.

Lesson learned.

Someone very kindly left a comment with some helpful information as to why my dear Ruby is so gassy lately. It could be the food I’m feeding her contains a fair amount of corn which dogs cannot digest. Does that seem just bizarre to anyone else???? WHY put something indigestible in their food????? It’s unfathomable to me. I know the answer, of course: cash. Corn is undoubtedly a cheap alternative to meat or grains or other digestible things. It seems so counter-intuitive to me . . . And yet, they are allowed to do it.

I sometimes marvel that as a country, we were entirely complacent about Bush upending democracy; Gore won that election. But I’m realizing there are a million little lies, half-truths, untruths in our lives. We are bombarded. Corn in dog food is the least of it.

(For anyone interested in a possible solution to dog gas, the answer is real yogurt, with the live active cultures. Despite the fact that I actually knew this, and keep yogurt for Ruby, I haven’t given her any lately . . . duh. I won’t soon forget again.)

It’s been a good weekend, all in all. I’ve been spending a lot of time just hanging out with friends, mostly Jen. It’s interesting to make new friends in your late 30s. My primary group of women friends are from college; we are going on 20 years together. I have other friends from junior high, a friend from high school. We have such a big, long history. They are all married, all have children. Their lives are what I consider relatively drama-free. Arguments with husbands are just part of the landscape. It doesn’t merit a call to friends, which isn’t to say that they don’t complain about the Mr. every now and again. That, too, is part of the landscape, and I feel as though when a girlfriend mentions that, she’s mostly looking to just talk about it, not get me to solve it.

So, as Jen sat with us, three of her women friends representing different stages of life (married with child; unmarried, but experienced in the fine art of long-term relationships; single and relatively inexperienced), and related her frustration with her fiancee, I was bemused by our reactions: the married friend can offer reassurance that this is how it goes, this is totally normal; I have the sense to be quiet; and the voice of inexperience comes to the defense of her friend and advocates that Jen turn the tables on him. There are so many things I don’t know, but I do know that tit-for-tat generally isn’t a productive way to solve relationship issues.

That’s commitment,  isn’t it? wanting to turn the tables, to inflict a little of the pain you’re feeling, a little of the injustice–but not. Setting aside your individual instincts (to some extent) to do what’s best and hopefully healthiest for the relationship? Because isn’t it always easier to never have to compromise? Never do anything that you don’t absolutely want to do?

I think we all probably need that time of our lives to just do our own thing. We need to figure out for ourselves what our own thing even is. I shouldn’t probably try to generalize this. I needed to be alone for a while with me. I needed to do my thing, be flighty, move cross country multiple times, impulsively adopt a dog (still love you Ben), try on careers the way some women try on shoes, find another dog (or stink-a-ma-potamus masquerading as a German Shepherd), buy a house, move away from the house, drop out of graduate school, fall in love without respect to gender, open my heart up and feel what it’s like for someone to bleed it dry . . . and survive. Then thrive. I remember that, how hard it is in the thick of it to imagine a time when the hurt will not hurt. It serves me well, to remember that pain almost always passes, at least the most acute variety.

I needed to do all that and more, and now, I know what I bring to the table. Even in the midst of personal crisis (the last 4 months, anyone?), I have a keener sense of self than ever. I have room in my life for someone else and their needs. I have done what I wanted, and now how to fit what I really need and want into my life, and now, I can share. I can do the big-time relationship stuff like, put my partners needs on par with my own. I can love someone else’s dog like my own.

I’m getting a little philosophical. But what I really sat down to blog about this evening is an element of my delayed adolescence (see above for my keen sense of adulthood): I pierced my nose today. Well, I didn’t. The fine piercer-guy down at The Alley on Clark St. (Chicago) did it for me. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I went down there intending to get my tongue pierced. (!!!!) I had this idea that a tongue piercing would satisfy my need to differentiate myself while preserving a somewhat corporate exterior.

Blech.

But what I really think is cool are very small, subtle nose piercings. I find that genuinely attractive.

So Scott (the fine piercer-guy) asked to take a look at my tongue, and it turns out, I’ve got a big vein up the center, so he said it was a bad idea, and he just plain refused to do it. Which was good to know that I do not have a tongue conducive to piercing. I did not argue this point with him. Although I briefly struggled with the idea of getting a pretty public piercing, it is in the end what I find most aesthetically pleasing, and I did it.

Although the actual piercing did sting briefly (my left eye watered a little), I feel nothing now, and I’ve blown my nose a few times, as well as absent-mindedly scratched it. It’s been a little surprising to find a stud there, but not painful at all.

I am quite pleased and happy with it, but have to admit, I don’t look forward to telling my mother. Sure, I pierced my nose when I was 38, but I’d like to point out that I’ve never had an unplanned pregnancy. I did not get knocked up as a teenager. They have never had to retrieve me from a police station.

This is not a road I want to proceed down.

New addiction: scrabulous.com.

Reading: finally getting down to the business of the Russian Reading Challenge with Turgenev’s First Love.

Make nice progress through my New York Times Tuesday crossword puzzle book.

Happy Saturday . . .

I’m going to need someone to check in on me to make sure I haven’t succombed to toxic dog gas. I have not changed her diet, so why is she so stinky? Seriously. It’s bad.

I was planning to go to Colorado this weekend, but thought better of it. Some friends were planning a weekend+ ski vacation, and when they invited me, I needed something to look forward to. I figured it was either go skiing with money I didn’t really have, or commit myself to a psych ward, again, with money I didn’t have. At the end of the day, the ski trip seemed like a smarter move.

But then I got a job, and oddly, now that money will once again be deposited regularly into my checking account, I’m keenly aware of how little money I have, and the idea of going to Colorado and fretting about every dime was giving me an ulcer. So, I cancelled. I offered to pay my portion of the expenses, but no one has replied to me. So I guess I can kiss off a couple of friendships there.

I’m a little nervous about the job. It’s that being brand new feeling, and all the inevitable mistakes I’ll make to start with. How long before I settle in to a nice little routine?

I’d make a to-do list, but it looks a lot like the to-do list I made on . . . was it Thursday? Same stuff to do. Very little progress. The dog and I are hiding from reality here on my (our?) bed. She appears to be sleeping while no doubt simultaneously generating more toxic gas in her gastro-intestinal system. I’m procrastinating.

1. Ahhhh, it’s so nice to be gainfully employed again.
2. One of my favorite things on my desk or bureau is a UV lamp on a timer to help me get up in a timely fashion.
3. Japanese Cherry Blossom : I have no idea what they smell like. Or look like.
4. My bed, and preferably in a horizontal position, is my favorite place to sit and read.
5. Crunchy natural peanut butter and honey on toast is delicious!
6. I love to watch actors(?) in movies.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to nothing specific, just puttering around, tomorrow my plans include doing some organizing around the apartment and Sunday, I want to do something about the dog gas that is making it difficult to breathe!

 March theme: lists

Today’s to-do list:  

1.  return a few things to TJ Maxx
2.  give some serious thought to packing for Colorado
3.  find Ruby a babysitter (dogsitter, whatever)
4.  take present over to Shannon for her new dog MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
5.  clean, at least a little
6.  go to library and get book for next book club
7.  balance checkbook, figure out cashflow
8.  clean out the 13 saved  messages on my voicemail
9.  take Ruby to the park for some hot frisbee action I threw the frisbee onto the roof of a neighbor’s garage . . .
10.  clean out email boxes
11.  figure out how to link those effing graphics to their actual  webpages
12.  troll favorite blogs and leave comments for all the awesome people who check in with me

UPDATE: upon further consideration, I decided to be lazy today. I have done virtually nothing on this list. I did throw the frisbee for the dog, but not much else. Now I’m trying to coax a friend or two into going to $2 burger-n-fries night down at a bar/pub called The Yard in Lakeview/Wrigleyville. Come on. $2! The to-do list isn’t going anywhere–I’ll work on it tomorrow when nervous anticipation forces me to be a little more active. I think I’m just wiped out from days and days of interviewing coupled with brain numbing temp work. I am a master rationalizer . . .

I know I mentioned this quite a while ago, while I was reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion: unemployment is something, like grief, we don’t ever really acclimate to. Knowing that next week I’ll rejoin most of the human race in the work-a-day world has really sunk in, and this heavy mantle of wet-scratchy-woolen unemployment has lifted considerably already. I’m so excited! Next week, I’ll have a desk, and a computer, and I will be joining a company that really, really wants me. The recruiter told me that they interviewed 62 people. And, I’ll have health insurance again! And regular deposits to my checking account!

My unemployment funk really lifted when the temp job said I didn’t need to come back–I could have verily wept with joy. The temp job said I was doing great, that I was really quite wonderful, but I was out too much with interviews. The temp coordinator at the employment agency actually thanked me for being so understanding. I almost asked her if she was kidding, but thought better of it.

So I puttered around downtown, peeked into my favorite stores:

H & M–nothing good; very disappointing

Forever 21–I know. I’m almost Forever 21 x 2, but they have a load of basic stuff for not a lot of money. Upstairs, they had these swanky dresses and blouses–really nice, actually, and totally appropriate for us mature women. They have a magnificent selection of wide-legged trouser-style jeans. Run–don’t walk–and get some. Virtually everyone looks better in wide-legged pants. Do not be tempted by the skinny jeans. Virtually everyone looks worse in skinny jeans. If you have any womanly curves–ANY–skinny jeans will create the visual impression that you don’t just have junk in your trunk, but rather, a freakishly ginormous elephantine ass. Seriously. And, just in case you don’t think you’re that girl, here’s a good general guideline: are you Kate Moss? If the answer is no, just set the pants down, nice and easy, and back away, and nobody gets hurt.

I could rationalize this purchase because my new job? pretty business casual. I think trouser pants in a dark denim are totally appropriate. Because hell will freeze over before I invest in any Dockers khaki pants.

(Also, since we’re reviewing stuff not to buy, add high-waisted pants or pleated front pants to that list, too. Both of these styles make your abdomen look distended. Most of us are killing ourselves in some pilates studio to eliminate that very problem. So, you can quit the pilates, and buy flat front pants, maybe even a size too big, so it looks like you’ve got plenty of room, which creates the illusion of being even smaller. No, I don’t know why I’m lecturing.)

I’m also trolling for a simple black leather clutch, just a basic going-out type of purse, but with a tiny bit of style, so I stopped into Loehmann’s and Nordstrom Rack. I also have an appreciation for shoes, but rarely the patience or adequate pharmacueticals to sort through the chaos that is Nordstrom’s. At the same time, I am haunted by the knowledge that there is something fantastic there, like the perfect pair of black wedge platform heels, just a simple shoe that provides just a little extra height (platform) and stability (wedge). I was disappointed in my quest for either a clutch (at a reasonable price), or fantastic shoes. 

Like a good Chicagoan–and although I was not born here, I very much consider myself a Chicagoan–I did not go into Macy’s-that-bought-Marshall-Fields.

Next, I went up to Belmont where there are a host of unpretentious boutiques, hoping to score that clutch. No such luck.

But, Taboo Taboo is right across the street, so I stopped by for some taboo shopping. Actually, because I loathe *DETEST* loathe pantyhose for their tendency to bind around the lower hip/upper thigh type of area, I have been a fan of thigh-high stockings for quite a while. And, I prefer the garter belt variety, because I don’t need the elastic chafing my thighs and creating a kind of faux-muffin-top type of situation that creates more chafing. These places tend to sell thigh-high stockings for very reasonable prices; probably because they are regarded as temporary props for post-date activities. I think that I knew that men liked that sort of thing, in theory, but I only recently got a taste of how much. I think it takes quite a bit of courage to put on a little naughty get-up, because as women, we’re all too aware of all of our wobbly bits, of our flaws, real and imagined, and we think that men look at us and see that, too. But most of them don’t. I think most of them appreciate us with our flaws, and still feel a tremendous amount of desire for our imperfections. I know there are men out there who are pretty indifferent to lingerie, but there are lots of guys who are decidedly NOT indifferent, and it’s like flipping a big switch. A really, really big switch.

As I type these observations, I wonder what I’ll think of lingerie when I’ve been with someone for 10 years, and I’m pissed because I can’t get him to take out the garbage, or we’ve had a fight about money. Will I still care about flipping his switch? I hope so.

I got a job offer today!

And, no virgins had to be sacrificed.

I’m exhausted, though. Having to verbally spar with people, make a case for myself day in and day out has spent me. After my second interview of the day, I could not find my way back to the temp job I’d worked the day before. I got this idea in my head that it was just two blocks down from where I was interviewing. It didn’t help that the exact same stuff was also on this street (the ubiquitous Corner Bakery and the less-ubiquitous Potbelly’s), so I was still determined to find this office . . .

Eventually, I had to call the recruiter to verify the address for me. I was about four streets too far west. I just got this idea in my head that they were near one another, and that was that.

Although I have accepted the job offer, I am continuing to go to interviews. I’m taking a little less dough, and I just want to make sure there isn’t more dough, with more benefits in one of these positions. I sincerely doubt it, but after so many months of unemployment, I feel like I’m covering all my bases.

I’m looking forward to settling back into a routine and being able to devote mental energy to things other than a job search.