Rhinoceros Running

Tonight, I had a meltdown at Target. Fortunately, Carol was available to talk me down. My list of grievances:

1. I’m only 3 months pregnant, but nothing fits. I thought I could just bump up a size, but my proportions are all outta whack. So, I headed out to Target thinking their maternity department would most assuredly have just some very basic workwear, like a black skirt. Just a black skirt. What is so hard about a black skirt?? I guess I’d understand the scarcity if I were in . . . I dunno, rural southern Indiana. But this is freaking Chicago. Find me a woman here who doesn’t have a black skirt. It’s a must, an essential YET VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND.

2. I feel tremendous guilt, like I have the moral compass of a bag of Doritos b/c I don’t know who the father of the baby is.

3. And I’m mad because I think he’s going to try and blow this off. I’m on the hook one way or another. If I abort, I will still think about this baby for the rest of my life. So I have it, and endure. I’m so freaking tired a trip to Target can make me cry.

4. The pregnancy journal repeatedly recommends going to the bathroom when you feel the urge. I ask, do people really need a reminder? I’m also finding that now that I’m pregnant, with my bladder and bowels as some kind of fetal footstool, when I need to go, the urge is instant. It’s non-negotiable. Must. Find. Bathroom.

5. Not a grievance, just an observation: I wonder what the dog is thinking when she’s got one toy, then stops, appears to think, gets up, and seems to search for a very particular toy. But while I’m complaining bitterly, I find it a little insulting that this dog, who was once an emaciating, starving stray, carefully evaluates any food I try to give her. This dog STILL will eat dead things on the ground in the alley, but it is only with great trepidation that she’ll take a Scooby Snack (for real, thought they’d be fun) from me.

6. Yesterday it was something like 80 degrees and humid. Today It was chilly and firmly in the 50s.

7. I had a job interview today. In the interview room, there was a very cool print, and off to the side, there was a thought/speech bubble that said “Everything is going to be alright. I just know it!” I took that as a sign of sorts. But after almost two hours of interviews with multiple people which I thought went really well, they’d gotten back to the recruiter within a half hour to let her know that they were passing on me.

8. The problem with being so tired and queasy all the time is that my mood is especially suspectible to swing low. So this afternoon when I was navigating trains and buses to make my way out to Target, a feeling of profound loneliness came over me. The irony of course is that I’m not alone.